Let Me Make This Perfectly Clear: Balance Is NOT A Solution (I'll tell you what is...)

I know I've blogged about this before...but it's worth repeating.

Lately several Family Manager Makeover Clients have come to me thinking that if they can just learn to schedule and multitask everything perfectly  -- they can achieve "balance." 

When they can't achieve the  zen-like, airbrushed image of perfection that they have in their heads  -- they kick themselves. HARD. Repeatedly. And the the downward spiral continues.

I hate to see it. It breaks my heart  when I hear moms beating themselves up because they can't excel in every single department of family management and run a successful business/work-outside-of-the-home, AND volunteer AND spend more time with their spouse  AND take care of their elderly parents AND find the time to take care of themselves properly, and go to every soccer game -- all at the same time.

I try to explain to these ladies that they need to give themselves a little break and a lot of credit -- that they are actually doing the work of several people all by themselves -- but it often falls on deaf ears.  They continue to feel like failures - no matter what I say. The myth of balance is that pervasive -- still.

I have devoted a ton of my time and energy learning about the subjects of  self-care,time management, family management and balance than and let me tell you -- BALANCE IS BOGUS. It's a myth that was created in an effort to try help women "have it all."

We grew up in an incredible era of progress for women (and I fully believe that it's a great thing -- but not without it's downsides!). We were raised to believe that "We could do anything we set our mind to" and that we could have it all -- family, career, and a life full of our own hobbies, interests and fufillment -- if only we learned to BALANCE our lives.

As Amy at  MojoMom.com pointed out -- In reality, the idea that we must learn to "balance our lives" actually ends up meaning: Juggle Faster, Run Harder.

I wish I could obliterate the myth of Life Balance from the face of the earth. 

What would I replace it with? Support.

Mothers would be much better off if, instead of constantly striving for balance, we constantly strove to gather support for your busy lives.

This would be a huge mindshift, in a country that was created by  "ruggeded individualists" -- but it can be done.

The problem is that Americans, as a whole, look at the need for "support" as a sign of weakness.  In the case of motherhood, support is not a sign of weakness -- but a sign of intelligent, stragetic thinking.

If mothers are expected to do the full-time jobs of at least 2-3 people, getting support so you can delegate some of the more rote or especilaly challenging tasks related to those jobs  is  simply a good management technique.

"Gathering Support" should be the new paradigm for motherhood. It is the only way to make any form of "life balance" within the reach of the average American mom. Why? I'll show you...

Stand up. Try to balance on one foot for as long as you can.  How long did you last? (I'm guessing not very long)  Now, try to balance on one foot, near a wall. Put one finger on the wall  for support and to help you balance. Easier isn't it? Now put your whole hand against the wall for support.  Much eaiser to balance now,  right?  You can last much longer without falling over -- correct?

Point Made.

Even with support - you still have to use your own strength to stay standing -- but you can stay upright much longer, without falling over.

Moms all over America are running themselves into the ground -- not because they have failed to balance their lives properly -- but because they are lacking the support they need from their spouses, their communities, and their government.

But what can YOU do to help you get the support that is absolutely essential to achieve any sort of life balance?  On a political level, checkout MomsRising.org - which is currently demanding that the Presidential candidates make it crystal clear what they will do for moms if they are elected.

But on a more personal note -- to gather support for your busy life  -- connect with other moms.  Reaching out online is good, but locally is better.  You need practical - hands-on support! Isolation = Depression for mothers! Join an organization like Mothers & More or Mothers of Preschoolers. Reach out to find friends among the mothers in the park or at your children's school. Visit girlfriendology.com to learn more about the importance of girlfriends. And more importantly, don't be afraid to ask for the help you need from your family, spouse, girlfriends, religious leader. Consider calling me for coaching or a Family Manager Makeover.  Remember --  Motherhood should never, ever, ever be a solo sport.

Comments

[Elizabeth]

It's almost heresy to hear that we shouldn't strive for "balance" since that's been preached for so long. But I think you're right: instead of aiming for that elusive "balance" that never quite arrives, we'd be better off with some help to make it all happen. I feel very lucky to live close to family who can step up and help out with the kids when I most need it.