Ladies, it's confession time again.

Most of the time, when I write that, its about some cute little quirky thing that I do. But this time, it's no joke. I'm about to confess to you that I am guilty of doing something that is so embarrassing we all avoid doing it in public, and it makes me feel awful on a regular basis. I am not doing this for the twisted gratification that comes with "airing my dirty laundry" but because I think what I have figured out about the subject really might help another mom out there struggling with this issue.

Here's the confession: I am a recovering yeller.

There, I said it.

Your immediate thought may be "I'm sure she's a terrific mom. She's being too hard on herself. I bet she doesn't shout at her kids like I shout at mine..."

Don't make excuses for me.  I have made my kids quake in their shoes.  One time, a few years ago, I called my former therapist after seeing my kids hug each other because mommy was "going crazy" (i.e. I was yelling so strongly they were very scared). I told my therapist, "I need a tune up" and spent a year talking about the roots of my yelling till I had figured it out...but it took me till now to get it under control and I STILL work hard at it.

Again, I'm not sharing this because I'm proud of my yelling, but because I think it might help someone else struggling with the same issue. Many moms have written to me asking for solutions on how to stop yelling at their children, but I have never addressed it because I didn't feel that I should speak about it till I learned to manage it for myself. Sure, I could have rattled off some 'textbook tips and techniques' about the subject, but that always feels so fake to me. You deserve real solutions.

Recently feel like I have "turned a corner" in my battle with myself over my yelling -- enough to be able to capture what I have learned...so I wanted to share...

Here are my real-life tips and solutions for how to stop yelling at your kids. I wish I could say they are "quick and easy" -- but that would be a lie. Stopping yourself from this kind a habitual verbal abuse (there, I said it!) takes a lot of deep, inner work.  Nevertheless, you have to start somewhere -- so here are my tips. Some of them may seem strange and even counterintuitive  -- but PLEASE give them a chance and read through them with an open mind and heart.

1) Do your best to STOP beating yourself up about your yelling

This 'tip' may seem both impossible and counterproductive, but hear me out.  First, I don't know about you, but I absolutely HATE MYSELF when I go off on a yelling rant against my children.  But hating myself, and staying in that place, will NEVER EVER get me to stop the habit. (In the coaching world we call it "Getting in your own way." You feel terrible about something, which creates more anxiety and self-loathing, which eventually leads you to feel the same stress that makes you do the thing you hate...and thus the pattern continues) Therefore, as the first step toward breaking the destructive pattern, when I catch myself doing the hated act, I MUST be gentle with myself and do my best to suspend my own self criticism. I say something to myself like, "I did it again. Yes this makes me feel terrible and angry at myself, but I have admitted that I have this problem and recognizing when I do it, even right after I do it is the first step to breaking this habit."

2) Do your best to figure out the root causes of your yelling

You need to figure out both the 'surface' triggers of your yelling  (i.e. what your kid do that trigger the yelling) and the deeper, more internal things that cause you to yell. First, it is helpful to figure out what your kids do that drive you the most crazy.  Brainstorm a list. Write it down (but never let them see it!). It is helpful to get crystal clear about what routinely  "pushes your buttons" so that you can more easily recognize those situations when they happen and make a conscious effort to use alternate parenting techniques like distraction, offering a choice, imposing a logical consequence or saying "I'm going to count to three."  (More about the internal causes of your yelling below...)

3) Figure out who you are REALLY angry at!

For starters, anger is the hardest emotion to process in a healthy way, mostly because we are taught to deny it as children -- but it is vital that we learn to be honest about it as adults. The first step is to admit that you have feelings of anger, then you must learn what to do with them!  

I don't know if what I'm about to tell you is true in all cases, but it was certainly true in mine.  What I discovered over the course of a year in therapy was that when I was yelling at my children I was really angry at someone else in my life but could not, for various reasons (some conscious, some unconscious) could not express my anger towards him.  I unconsciously displaced my anger onto my children. (Again, let me remind you, before I get a flood of angry emails telling me what a terrible mother I am, that I am NOT PROUD OF THIS. In fact, it is very difficult to admit this to myself, let alone in a public forum like this. I am tempted to delete this whole essay right now. But I won't because my honesty may help some other family struggling with the same thing.)  Here's another difficult confession: Even when I was CONSCIOUS how I was displacing my anger it still took me a LONG TIME to make progress in stopping the habit. I STILL struggle with it, but I will continue the effort because my children's mental health is worth it! (If I can do it -- so can you!)

4) Upgrade Your Self-Care

This tip may seem ridiculous and out-of-place, but please hear me out on this -- it is very important!  The principle behind this recommendation is very simple, "We do better when we feel better." No joke.  Haven't you noticed that, no matter the unconscious reasons for your yelling, you yell a lot less when you are well rested, well fed, generally in good health and relatively stress-free?  Every time I get an email from a desperate mom asking "Please write about some solutions that will me stop yelling at my kids!"  The first thing I wonder to myself is, "I wonder how much sleep she is getting?"  It's just so much easier to yell when you are physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually drained.  Therefore, if you are yelling too much at your kids, and you really want to stop, one great way to start breaking the habit is to start taking better care of yourself -- i.e. getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and getting the social support that you need. 

Remember I recently said that I had "turned a corner" in breaking the habit of yelling at my children? It is no coincidence that I had made such terrific progress around the same time that I stopped eating excessive sugar, started eating a more natural, healthy diet, started exercising and stopped using caffeine as a crutch to make it through the day.  It may sound overly simplistic to say, "take better care of yourself and you'll stop yelling at your kids," but remember, that is not ALL I am saying. The other tips above play and important part in breaking this habit too!

5) Upgrade Your Family Management Skills

This is related to the self-care tip, but with a twist.  The goal of both this tip and the last one is to help you reduce your stress level.
 
Just like an alcoholic should not keep alcohol in his home because it might trigger his desire to drink, likewise, it would be helpful for you to take responsibility improving your environment by improving your Family Management skills. Ultimately, the decision to drink is the responsibility of the alcoholic, regardless of if the liquor is in the home or not, but it helps to get the alcohol out of the home. Likewise, ultimately the decision to yell or not yell is in your hands, but it will help you yell less if you have a smoothly-running, well-organized home – where everyone does their share and relieves to of some of the pressures of housekeeping.  


Sometimes it helps to have some outside assistance in this area.  As a Family Manager Coach I am trained help you create that smoothly running, well organized home, as well as to be an impartial mediator that will help to get your family “sharing the load” of the household management.  If you feel that the chaos in your home is at least partially to blame for your consistent stress levels, then please consider contacting me for a Family Manager Makeover. It would be my pleasure to help you.  


6) Consider admitting your problem to your children

So far I am fairly confident that experts in child psychology would approve of the advice that I have written, but I am not sure about this next tip so please use with caution.   I have found it helpful and instructive to admit to my children that I have a problem with yelling, that I know that I do it too often, and tell them that I working on breaking the habit. There are pros and cons to sharing this information with my children.

The most important advantage to admitting that you have a problem is that you are showing your children that it’s okay to be imperfect and admit that you have a problem.  Getting out of denial is the starting point of all personal transformation, and you are modeling the important and difficult process of breaking a habit and improving yourself. Also, admitting that you have a problem with yelling also helps your children blame themselves less when it does happen.  The last thing you want them to do is take each of your tirades to heart, thinking it is entirely their fault.  

On the other hand, admitting that you have a problem with yelling could backfire as well.  First of all, they could not take you seriously, when you need to be taken seriously, because they may think, “Oh mommy’s yelling, that’s her problem”.  Second, if you constantly yell, then apologize saying “I have a problem” and repeat -- it could begin to resemble a pattern of abuse that you do not want to instill in your children. Finally, you don’t want to make them responsible for your problem by saying “I’m trying not to yell, but you’re making it difficult…”  

In conclusion, you might want to consider admitting your problem to your children, but only if you feel it is the right thing to do given your children’s age and personality and only if you are really ready to change the habit. Don’t fall back on your confession as an excuse to continue the behavior.  

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There it is, my secret shame in public for the world to see. If you have found any of this helpful at all, I would  greatly appreciate it if you let me know by leaving a comment.  It would soothe my nervousness about posting this!

Finally, I’d like to leave you with some resources that I have found helpful in my struggle to stop yelling at my kids. You can get all of the books listed below here: http://www.solutionsforbusymoms.com/stopyelling


- Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice  by Sarah Chana Radcliffe  - This book is the ULTIMATE guide to eliminating yelling, criticism and other unpleasant communications. Mrs. Radcliffe recently did an excellent interview on the Wise Counsel Podcast which offers  a great introduction to the techniques in her book. You can listen to it here.  Also, visit her website at http://www.parenting-advice.net/


- When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It by Bonnie Harris  - I really love this book because it helps you identify what is really “pushing your buttons” and gives you helpful solutions.

- Positive Discipline by Jane Ed. D. Nelsen  - This is a classic book and a must read. Nelsen coaches parents and teachers to be both firm and kind, so that any child–from a three-year-old toddler to a rebellious teenager–can learn creative cooperation and self-discipline with no loss of dignity. The more positive discipline tools and techniques you learn, the less you will yell. I have enjoyed the whole series. 

- 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12  by Thomas W. Phelan  - This book is not the “cure-all” for discipline that it is made out to be, but I have found it a useful tool in my parenting toolking, especially with toddlers.

- The Better Behavior Wheel – Again, this is not a discipline panecea, but I think it is useful parenting tool for many situations. You can see it at: http://www.solutionsforbusymoms.com/betterbehaviorwheel

- Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic Mary Sheedy Kurcinka  - This is not a book specifically about yelling, but I have found it very useful in raising my spirited boy!

You can get all of the books listed here: http://www.solutionsforbusymoms.com/stopyelling